Tag Archives: Family

When you get to the brink…

2 Nov

keep going

because really — what other choice do you have?!

Um.  “I’m going to turn around and try this tomorrow.”  “I’ll do this when I have more _____.”  “I’ll do this when he / she is here.”  “When I lose _____.”

How about: 

Just keep going.

Apropos, one of my favorite ‘yoga’ stories.  It’s about Renoir and Matisse.  (The painters…  You might have heard of them ;). )  Well, they were good friends.  Renoir in his old age was stricken with horrible rheumatoid arthritis.  There were days where he could not even pick up his paintbrush.  Nonetheless, he paintedHe had someone put the brush in his crippling hand and he painted.

One day, witnessing the agony Renoir was in, his frequent companion Matisse asked him:  why?  Why did he put himself through such suffering?  Why continue when he could stop and enjoy his life and what he had already accomplished?

Renoir replied:

“The pain passes, but the beauty remains.”

I love this story.  Because it’s the point!  We all have our pain.  It’s called living.  Try as we might, we can’t help having our pain sometimes.  But just being with it…  going through it.  We find so much more than our ‘pain’.

We find our life.  We find ourselves.  We find our beauty.

I think about my own life.  Sure.  Having an eating disorder sucked.  Break-ups– I’ll take 10!!!  And, family loss.  Major pain.  But, every time I’ve felt- every time I’ve stayed- every time I’ve held that metaphorical brush and worked to continue to create something with my trembling hand or head or heart.  I’ve remained.  Strong(er).  Better.  Me.

Life thing happens.  Heartbreaking- RIP YOUR LIFE APART- things happen.

And, then somehow it passes.

(Chagall- My Favorite!)

And, we remain.

Beautiful.  Reflective.

These artists know what they are talking about…

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My Father

3 Oct

And, yes.  He reads this blog.  You could say we have an ‘honest’ relationship.

For us, that’s something.

He also likes to comment on this blog.  Normally, I do not let you see his comments.  For instance, he recently told me that “I was not writing an essay to get into college.  Be yourself.”

Yeah.  Except he has a point.

My dad has ton of gems.  He tells me things like:  “Dating is an audition for sex.”  And:  “I should ‘invest’ in myself by being a secretary for a few years in a big city (to meet men).”  And (a personal favorite from my teenage years) “Never have sex in a car.  This means your partner does not respect you.”

Still, he normally gets me thinking.  And, my dad usually has a point.  (I’m usually irked by it too.  He’s normally correct.)

Aside from his ‘manner’ :P, I guess my issues with my father stemmed from the past.  I know…  Everything stems from some pastThere was this heart-breaking thing that happened to me when I realized that my parents (my mother too) are people and not Disney characters.  I experienced horrifying sense of fear and anger when I recognized their humanity and fallibility.  (Yes.  I did just re-read that sentence.)  With my father, it was even harder because we did not speak for many years.

And then we did.

And, then he had things to say.  About me.  Comments.  Analysis.  Understanding.

I did not know how to take it.  I did not think it was ‘fair.’

Here was a(n absentee) dad who knew me so well.  Here was fallible, non-Disney person who was (is) totally human and also somehow got me.  Even though he hadn’t been there to see me.  What did I do with that?

If you are me, you fought.  You got angry.  (Read:  Passive and standoffish)  You made ‘rights and wrongs.‘  Because you are were hurt.

I was hurt.  Deeply.  Hurting for a want of a narrative father and the loss of one.

Then, I stopped.  I tried something different.  I got a Dad.  My dad.  My dad who tells you things. (Ha!?)   My dad who tells me things.  My dad who tries…

Remember when trying mattered?

Yeah.  Me too.

So.  I try to hear it.  Because he comes from a human (fallible) place.

We all do.

That’s what makes us grow.  Up.

I love my non-Disney dad :).