The Complaint Code

23 Jun

If you are like me, you try not to complain.  I think of it as wasted energy.  Toxic.  Unbecoming.  I dated a guy that would complain relentlessly about work once.  What was the point?  Now, I know bonding occurs when people unite behind a bad boss or sense of being unfairly maligned, but did he have to do it all the time?  Seriously.  Everyday.  To me that was unhappiness…

I always thought of complaints as energy that needs to be dumped or changed.

Thus, ex-boyfriend notwithstanding, I was JAZZED when D. gave me another way to look complaints.  Truly, I think this is SO RAD.

What if we look at what is under our complaint?  What is the DESIRE?

A complaint is about a lack.  A complaint is about a problem.  A sense of misunderstanding or mis-valuation.  What if we were to parse through all that negative bullshit and see what we are really lacking and, in fact, desiring?

I’ll start simple.  I’ve (yes me!) been known to ‘lightly’ 😉 complain when I can’t get my cocoa coffee.  Now, obviously this is RIDICULOUS.  This is not necessary or important.  But, let’s look at it…

What is under the complaint?  What is the fear / desire?

In the case of the cocoa coffee it’s simple.  I want nourishment.  More specifically (because that is not real nourishment), I want time to treat myself.  The cocoa coffee represents a pause in my day when I am not giving out.  Instead, I am taking in.  So, when I am complaining about its lack, I am essentially reminding myself that:  I desire time to treat myself sweetly.  With warm chocolate!

And now, a more complicated, heartfelt complaint.  I’ve been known to complain about boys.  Whether it’s a date, or an ex, or the ‘crisis’ of the male twenty-something I’ve got a FUNNY 😛 rant about it.  But, what is my complaint really about?

Again, it’s a two-fold question:  What is under the complaint?  What is the fear / desire?

With this one it gets personal.  Under the complaint is fear.  And hurt.  And emotion.  I complain because I do not understand my lack.  I do not understand:  why things are only sexual, why I do not have interest, reciprocity, maturity, lack of respect, and why I feel disconnected.  And, there it isCONNECTIONI desire connection. 

When I am ranting about boys I am really ranting about MY DESIRE FOR CONNECTION.

Oh no.  Oh yes!!! 

There are some honest complaints for you…

Try it.  Just for you.  What if a complaint is really a desire?

And, what if, once you know that desire, it can come true? 🙂

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2 Responses to “The Complaint Code”

  1. Sarah June 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm #

    What a great way to reframe things! This rainy day is a great time to examine my own complaints, and I’m going to do just that. But first I have to ask: how do you make your cocoa coffee? I’d love to try making a cup. 🙂

  2. Jamie June 23, 2011 at 5:15 pm #

    Cheers Sarah! I hope it helps 🙂

    Cocoa coffee is a hug. I put 2+ heaping T of drinking chocolate (or hot chocolate) in coffee. Then I add cinnamon, honey, and half and half. Mmmmm

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