When all else fails…

14 Jun

“Simple and direct emotion is a powerful gift.”

It’s real.  It’s vulnerable.  It’s you.  Shared.

(Or, me.  But, we’ll get to that…)

I often wonder how people make connections.  I guess there are many ways.

Some people share stories… 

‘Remember that time I went to court and learned that an assistant district attorney and intern are synonymous.  HILARIOUS. And, true.  At least in Ithaca.’

Some people share experiences… 

‘Holding hands.  Skating.  Everyday.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Sometimes with a Russian accent ;).’

Some people share themselves...

‘I think too much.  Maybe I always have.  I used to obsess about food.  This was how I made my world smaller.  Smaller than the fantastic reality of my present life.  Presently, food is a backdrop to boys.  Did I really just type that?  Gross.  What a waste of head-space.

Example:  One morning pretty recently, I woke replaying a narrative of my ex.  I know that the daemon I have made him is illogical.  Purely false in fact.  I know I do actually want him.  I know that he is using women, substances, and avoiding aspects of himself.  Or, maybe he just believes his fluff.  And, I know none of this matters. 

I am my own obsession.  That’s the lean in.  And, why do I need it?  Why do we have these boys, food, local ‘problem’ ruminations?  It’s called avoidance.  For me, It’s not about him.  He’s simple.  (Honestly, I am hesitant to even include this story in my ‘sharing’ because he’ll think it’s about him.  ‘You probably think this post is about you…’ ;))  But, his narrative is important for my growth.  And scary.

Training the mind. Glorious.

Me.

I obsess locally, so that I do not have to think about the future.  I’ve done this before…  I’ve done this in actions.  Sigh.  Still, don’t worry.  (Exhale.)  The future Chuck Norris’s my mind too.  What should I do?  What should I become?  How am I (mis)perceived?  Who will witness?  Will it matter?  Does it have to?  And, for whom?

Blah blah blah blah relevant? blah blah blah chocolate blah blah blah love blah blah blah blah…

Yeah.  You too?

So.  I’m that the girl who thinks too much.  Macro and Micro.  But, at least it’s not in loathing

‘Simple and direct?’

Probably not.

But.  I love.  Deeply.  And, I’m lucky.  I have amazing people who sit with me.  Witness me.  Emote with me.  I love them.  So much.

I may not be simple.  I may not always be direct.  But, I’m here.  In it.

And, I know:

You don’t find yourself thinking.  

Directly:

 Thank you for loving, life-ing, and sharing with me.


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2 Responses to “When all else fails…”

  1. Sarah June 15, 2011 at 8:04 am #

    Beautifully put, and exactly what I needed to read. Thanks!

  2. Jamie June 15, 2011 at 9:52 am #

    And, thank you. Sweet day!

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