It’s funny that I have to ask this. But, I’m beginning to realize that not everyone was weaned on good, solid, substantial belief. The ‘you can do.’ Anything. Everything. Become.
Now, for me it was complicated. I WAS believed in. Just in a very specific vector. It was about 1/4 inch wide to be precise. I was believed in as a skater. Maybe not as a Jamie. But as a skater.
Or, as: ‘Jamie the skater.’
It was a nuance and it cut me to the core.
Nonetheless, what I am coming to realize, is that I am so lucky. My people knew I could be something. And, that sense of belief– I can learn to translate. I can BECOME me.
Not everyone gets that. Heartbreaking.
Hint: We can ALL be something. OUR(best)SELVES
I dated someone once. I believed in him. I’m not sure he did. This is not unique. Why do we not show up for our(best)selves?
Life imprisoned by others’ parameters. Or, by our own faulty ones.
And, what does it really mean to have people believe in us? Since I was lucky (?!) enough to have people believe in me (or at least in what I could do), I was weaned in a reality in which I could succeed. I did succeed. And now, I find myself conditioned to expect success.
Hmmm. Is this healthy?
Counterpoint: what if you grew up nurtured by people who did not allow you to fail? Ever. Is that ‘over-love‘ or ‘under belief?‘ The: don’t compete because then you may (in fact, statistically, WILL) lose– way of loving. The ‘overly helpful‘ (I love you!) mom. The ‘over done‘ day– chock-full of extracurricular activities, so that I am their version of (assured) success.
In effect, ‘over‘ anything weans you negotiating, coddling, or compartmentalizing everything. Owning nothing. No defeat. No small choices. No solo victories. No empowerment to start again. How is that strong? How is that type of cushioned, world-weary love, ultimately, good for us? It seems to me that this ‘over love‘ is just a fearful and baggage-ladden way to under believe.
And, isn’t failure is necessary? (It IS inevitable.) And, aren’t some failures even appropriate?! Life WILL break you. Even the ex learned that…
We can still have more. We can have grounded strength. By believing within… In spite of the breaks.
Why then do we accept SO MUCH ‘under belief?’ Call it home and set up camp in the sub-standard: “That’s who I am.” Sure. That’s who you are right now. But, wait until you hold yourself accountable to your dreams. Your(best)self. Belief.
I know it’s easier
said typed than lived though. I’ve watched ‘under belief‘ in myself hinder my own risk taking. (I live in Ithaca- remember?! It’s a process… 🙂 ) I’ve witnessed it in my friends and peers. It’s troubling. I really worry that under belief (along with loss aversion) is creating a society of ‘let me not try’ and ‘let me do the safe thing.’ Ultimately, under belief seems tantamount to: ‘let me not succeed.’
But YOU can. And, SHOULD.
So then, we need to consider what happens when REAL belief streams in. We don’t know what to do. We get uncomfortable. We push. Sometimes we push people away. The more under belief you got, the harder you shove. (And, failures– don’t get me started. You should have had some. A long time ago… Failures do not mean you are not AMAZING. Maybe just a bit naive ;))
Still, when people see our bright spots (and we’ve ALL got them) it can seem SO dissonant. Heartbreaking, I’ve noticed this tension and push within myself. Gah! It comes in my relationships and it comes in my relationship with myself. Perhaps, because belief means I’m accountable to change. Belief always is in tune with our(BEST)self. Belief in me skates as an affirmation and acceptance of love. Belief plus effort– there’s some self-love too!
You’d rather negotiation too ;)?
This is as far as I’ve got… Now, I want you all to help me out!
Why is belief a struggle? Is it because, if I believe in me (or accept your belief in me) then I have to try? Potentially fail? Love (and fear)?
I’ll tell you what is SCARY…
To never succeed or achieve our potential– that’s scary stuff.
That I refuse to believe.